Sunday, November 30, 2008

I:The fact resides between your and my heart. The fact that I am incapable of further probing deeper into your heart is a fault of mine and I alone take the blame. But that doesn't mean my love for you is less.

You: If you can't read my heart then what's the use of your love.

I: But I tried.

You: And was that try good enough?

I:Will you give me another chance?

You: It depends on how good your try will be.

I: I can't promise you anything

You:I don't want your promises

I: Then what do you want. I have given you everything I have.

You: I want you

I: But you already have me.

You: It is your soul I want

I:Then how shall I live?

You: You will be inside my heart.

I left the place. What did she mean?

She loved me or hated me. Or did she wanted me to be with her forever. Or did she wanted to be away from me.

Love is derelict, like a drunkard guitar strumming bastard whose notes are all wrong yet the song is delirious and despondent. And why am I in such an inebriated state? Why my love for her is so vague and abstract that I can't think beyond her. Why I am trapped in narrow lanes of nightmare which I see as dreams,my lovely dreams. Does her love matter in my life? If she is in my life will it matter. Or will it be another of those dreams getting washed by a heavy downpour on a sunny day when the skies goes overcast with grey clouds and the rain lashes on the land. It all goes sudden and unplanned. Like when I met her and things went all awry and I fell in love with her. She knows that loving her will be difficult. But then what's the harm in trying out.

The flying lark laughs at my misery
I move around in forest of hopelessness
I see a cleft, I walk through it
I see Prometheus, his pain and agony
chained to a rock,while the gods above
rejoice his suffering
He looks at me, and gives a smile
A vile sorrow pecks my heart
I can't feel sorry for him
Its God's order, It shall be a crime
'Tell me your problem oh stranger.'
'in this garden I am the gardener'
I devoid of my thoughts
tell him about my lover's need
soul or heart, which is more important
life or death or love or hate
'ah stranger, you think a lot'
He smiles and tell me a tale
'Will you live if she is not there?
or will you perish if she is there
Its difficult my friend, to think of love and hate
at the same time when your heart is burdened
Your soul or heart, it doesn't matter a lot
give her both and she shall give you in return
her soul and heart...
Mark my words oh stranger from a strange land
I am cursed till eternity
but it was good to speak to you
now just rush back'

'you met Prometheus.' she asked.

'Yes.' I said, a bit guiltily.

'And what did he told.'

'To give what you ask for.'

'And if I don't take it.'

I kept quiet.

'Why? I love you.' the desperateness in my voice was clear. I wanted her.

'Suppose I am nothing but an illusion.' she said. Her lips drawing a smile

'I don't care. I don't care at all.'

'Why do you love me? Because I am beautiful.'

And again I was at loss of words.

'Think. Think before you want me.' She leaves letting me to think in the solitude of her aura she leaves me. Now do I love her, do I want her or all is this nothing but a pathetic unimaginable sorrowful vortex I am trapped in. I think.

[PS: I have never written such an abstract piece before. And I am wondering myself,what is this all about. Love or Hate. Death. What made me write this. Damn I am confused myself.Anyways happy reading.]

Friday, November 28, 2008

What's Wrong Dammit?

'I strictly condemn the attacks.' 'There will be stringent actions taken against the perpetrators.'
'India shall not keep quiet.' 'India shall bounce back.'

I guess you and I alike have been fine tuned with this lines for a while now. And yes our politicians don't even have to ask their speech writers. They are well versed with the idea what exactly they have to say. Saves time I guess.

I stay in Pune. Yesterday morning I had just got up to get ready for my exams when my friend entered with the newspaper.
'Damn they have attacked Mumbai.' That was his exact words. Our exams were canceled and I eventually returned home scouring the net for some piece of information, what was exactly happening. And here a city burning.

So they attacked Mumbai. Just like they attacked Delhi,Assam,Jaipur,Bangalore and some other places as they feel, as their whims and fancies permits them. Now where are we. Left in the lurch.
Now, who will be next. Who will suffer the same agony as the people of Mumbai are suffering. Are they going to suffer again? Or this time will it be Pune or Kolkata or Chennai. We can't be sure.
So what's the use. We shall talk mindlessly over this thing for a week or two, and then forget all about it. Do we remember? We always forget the nightmare very soon.

Today I had gone to cut my hair. The barber asked me, well why were they doing so. They don't even have any demand. And I wondered, what demand would they make. They were here just to empty their magazines on innocent people. That was it. Nothing else.

Now why Mumbai. Kolkata could have been a target too. Imagine, terrorists entering the howrah station. What will be the scenario. My friend, the barber, he said one very important thing, now our Hindi movie directors will have a good subject to make a movie on.

What is wrong? Nothing is wrong. He was apt in saying so. We are becoming like a punching bag. people are coming to punch us and we are readily accepting the blows with a gratitude and kissing their damn ass. We are spineless and we are dickheads as well. We think that well its a country of hundred crores..a hundred dead..does it make any difference. We shed some crocodile tears for the dear departed and that's it. And that's the same thing which will be recycled again and again. They will come and kick our butts, kill us in our own home and we will say, well, its bad, we will condemn it and some more bla bla bla.
The whole country is divided. There is nothing called unity here. Regionalism and communalism is creeping in. we are killing our own brothers and sisters then why do we feel bad when someone else is doing the job for us. Everyone dies, you are happy, show me how you smile you idiot.

India's tryst with terrorism is not a new adage. We are bleeding since our inception. See Kashmir. We are getting excited today when Mumbai is under siege, but when we again shrug our shoulders when we hear something happening in Kashmir. Oh, Kashmir, its a regular thing there. And now imagine,Mumbai becoming a Kashmir. Its accessible by sea. Each and everyday terrorists and fidayeen can enter kill people at their will, it will be cakewalk for them. What will happen? Nothing. We will read and write in blogs like this.

We very well know where the enemy is. I ask how much longer. Why can't we act soon and exterminate them instead of losing our precious citizens. Who the hell are we waiting for. Our constitution says we are a sovereign republic. Then whose permission are we waiting for. Or are we just to afraid to hit back thinking of serious repercussion.

My friend and I were getting into an animated conversation today. He was asking why can't we just not enter the buildings and shoot them up. And I remembered the terrorist attack in Russia. The Beslan school siege of 2004.What happened? 334 hostages died including 186 children. But are we Indians ready to take so much casualty. The political parties sit like vultures ready to scalp the flesh off the government. Was such a solution apt for the current mumbai situation. just enter the buildings and kill the terrorist without prioritizing the safety of the hostages. Its easy said than done.

And what will be the step if such an attack happens again.I am telling you what will happen. There will be a hue and cry. there will be public outrage and condemnation. And again everything shall go cold as we will wait for another terrorist to come and attack us so that we remember what is really wrong with all of us.

And even now I can hear myself laughing when I heard the newsreader refer to that holed up terrorist as YAMDOOT.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Tagged or bugged

I saw this thing in two or three blogs. What is this? I seriously don't know. But reading it was fun. And so I am going to attempt it. Ah its like a slam book fillie thingy. Now I get it

first name: Sayantan...would have preferred Satan...anyways what's the big deal about it anyway

single or taken: Bloody seriously single...any damnshell interested

sex: male

birthday: jan, 28th

siblings: none

hair colour: black.

shoe size: 8...

height: 5'5".

innie or outie: am a leftie...Haill Che...can't wait to see the movie...

what are you wearing right now: a yellow teeshirt which I have not washed for the past one month..and a bermuda...any better word for it...

righty or lefty: righty...yes I use my right hand to write...

can you make a dollar in change right now: fuck...its 6 in the morning...


who are your closest friends: some are there..

do you have a BF or GF? bwhahahahhahahahahhaha...hell no...

best place to go for a date: a moshpit...


favourite place to shop: I hate shopping...yeah landmark and crosswords are two favourite places

favourite kind of pants: blues jeans...

favourite colour: Black..don't know how...a

number(s): 666

animal: not sure...a donkey..a rabbit...

drink: tea,coffee,juices and thums-up...

sport(s): use to play cricket and football...tried to make a comeback but failed

fast food place(s): anything..burger..pizzas...anything...

month: the winter months...

current movie: not seen anything for a while now..will see dasvidaniya...

juice: orange

finger: middle

breakfast: i don't remember when I had one

favourite cartoon character(s): tom and jerry, sinchan...

have you ever:

given anyone a bath? no.

smoked? he offered me the cig..couldn't take the swig..

bungee-jumped? no.

made yourself throw up? yes.

gone skinny dipping? yes will do so when am in Miami..i promise..

eaten a hot dog? no...

put your tongue on a frozen pole? what the heck...

loved someone so much it made you cry? have loved a lot..but have never cried. I am too afraid to cry I guess

broken a bone? No

played truth-or-dare? No

been in a police car? No

been on a plane? No...I know when you will read this your eyes will pop out..

been in a sauna? No...

been in a hot tub? No

gone swimming in the ocean? Yeah...

fallen asleep in school? That's what I did in school...bunked classes and if I did attended one..I use to sleep.

ran away? Yes...ran away and came to Pune

broken someone's heart? Nah..didn't get the opportunity...

cried when someone died? too stoic...or afraid...don't show my tears

cried in school? Yes...

fallen off your chair? no..i sit tight..[:P]

sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call? yes...hell she didn't call

saved e-mails? all are saved...hail google

fallen for one of your best friends? best friends are all boys...I had no girlfriend[:P] who could become my best a freako pschyo..leatherface and jason combo

made out with JUST a friend? no...

used someone? yes..many a times..

been cheated on? yes..many a times

what is...

your good luck charm? won't say

the best song you ever heard? currently tomar jonno by ornob...sala eto senti song..three days..I just couldn't get off my bed...and there is metal offcourse..the best thing that happened to me..I turned into a metalhead

the stupidest thing you have ever done? first love...I went to speak to her...and instead of saying what I should have said..I asked for her physics moron you...

what's your room like? cluttered..just like my mind

the last thing you said? bloody, fuck...I have an exam noon and am still in front of the computer typing saying it and writing

what is beside you? my pillows..wallet,keys..

the last thing you ate? chicken tikka masala and roti...burping since then

what kind of shampoo do you use? some silly question this is really....I don't take a bath..I stink..

the best thing that has happened to you this year? Got a laptop a guitar too..who cares...

the worst thing that has happened to you this year? its going to happen on 3rd December..will post it..

have you had..

chicken pox? no

sore throat? yeah..

stitches? no..but I should have had one...

broken nose? no.

do you

believe in love at first sight? Yes...aha such a pricking your nose..and getting all those dirt out...and then blowing the nose..and breathing merrily...[:P]

like picnics? yes i do

like school? yes.

would you/what is

eat a live hamster for $1,000,000 : wack thoo...sala

if you were stuck on an island, what people would you want with you? no one..i would be alone..with my books and laptop and my guitar

who was the last person that called you? My parents...

who was the last person you slow-danced with? i mosh i headbang...bloody no dance for me..please

what makes you laugh the most? pathetic lovers..crying...i am a sadist

what makes you smile? i don't smile that often

who is the last person

you yelled at? i am a quiet person...

who broke your heart? so many...[:P]..this space will finish but the names won't

who told you they loved you? none..i don't like emotional things...

who is your loudest friend? Bary and Rj..oh arko too

do you/are you:

do you like filling these out? Killing time...and so I like it

do you wear glasses or contacts? closest pal...

do you like yourself? Yes, now am not suicidal or frustrated..

do you get along with your family? Yeah..but no one understands me...and I have stopped explaining myself

stolen anything over $50? no...use to still ten rupees daily to have phuckas and chats..miss them man

obsessive? about certain things...

compulsive? maybe...not sure

anorexic? man I am thin...but I eat like a hog

suicidal? no

schizophrenic? no.

love life

do you have a crush? wrote a song for her

if so, does he or she know? no way...

have you truly told him or her how you feel, face to face? no man...

how did he or she respond? -she would strike me down with her designer heels...

what is so great about him or her? we have many things in metal chick

this or that

coffee or tea: tea

phone or in person: person...

are you oldest, middle, youngest or only child: am the only son

indoor or outdoor: indoor..

final questions

how many people are you sending this to: No one has send me this so I won't send this to anyone

what are you listening to right now? Let her cry by hootie and the blowfish

what did you do yesterday? am awake since yesterday

where do you want to get married? in between hell and that I can make my decision quickly...

if you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? my lazyness

are you a good driver? no I can't drive

are you a good singer? no way..

what do you dream about? I dream that they......leave it..its too personal

She and Me

She sits and tries to think
Days of lost innocence and all that pink
Trying frantically to remember all that she has forgotten
She lost me in the flood of oblivion
She lost everything
She is just another survivor
And as she walks back she crosses me
And she doesn't even recognize who I was
I nod my head and follow her

I see her like I see everyday
I see her just like the clouds in the sky or the moon in the night
and now
I see her walking
going back to her house
crossing the street
trying to smile but she only has tears to offer
and those tears are so beautiful I remember

Standing with her friends
Sometimes she sees me wondering
what I am doing there
Do I care maybe not,maybe yes
Its written in her face
she is sad she is lost

She used it one stormy night
And she gave up without a fight
I was there too, I wanted to stop her
But she could just not see me

Now things in front of her are all so foggy
She hallucinates and she pretends she is happy
I can see she is decaying away
going so far I see her face turn hazy
But I can't lose her
And I go after the dream
which is now a nightmare

She sees me and smiles
As I ask her to comeback with me
She refuses politely and asks me to leave this place
which I do


She now stands in front of her house
It reflects back all that she could have
I stand by her side
They sky is grey and it would rain soon
And we would get drenched
She opens the gate and enters
There's no there to welcome her
The scar is long gone
But the mark it etched
No one can just erase it

And as it rains she sits in front of the closed door
She screams she wants to enter
But there's no one to answer her call
I watch it all
And then she asks me
'Who are you and why you cry for me'
I wonder
Was this the same girl I loved
And time is so bitter
That now I am nothing but just another face
Just another stranger

P.S:Its around five in the morning. And my exams begin today. And I don't know what made me write this. But I can only say that writing this has made my burdened hard lighter.
And this poet is dedicated to a girl who inspired me a lot. She is a fighter. And I watch her alone. Am with you though you will never know it.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

First Post

First post for my new blog. Time for some serious blogging. Nothing as such. Went through some great blogs. Will add them in my blog roll soon. Till then happy reading folks. If you do visit then please comment. A writer needs some valuable inputs. Thanks.